It’s not what you say, it’s what people hear.

We’ve all gotten that lesson from our parents as 12 years old, speaking in a tone that as an adult, I’m surprised we didn’t get locked out in the winter for.  It’s not what we’re saying, it’s how we’re saying it.

As adults most of us have gotten a grasp on our tone (especially in contentious situations), but that doesn’t mean we don’t say things that can be quickly misinterpreted.  An innocent phrase can easily             put someone on the defense and there’s no worse time for that than in an interview or a business meeting.

Here are some of my favorites that could hurt you professionally and some thoughts on how to rephrase:

“Why did you do that?” – You are immediately putting the other person on the defensive and in all honesty speaking to them like a child.  Nothing good comes from either of these things.

Same words, different impression:

Instead you could say something like “I would never have thought to do it that way, how did you get to that idea?” – What you’re essentially doing is asking them to explain their strategy to you.  Two things can come from this, either they will recognize their error while talking through their strategy, or they might make a compelling argument and help you to see things in a different light!

“That makes no sense” – You’re essentially telling someone they are an idiot and can’t articulate themselves.  Never a great strategy.

Same words, different impression”

“I’m not sure I am understanding what you’re saying, can you walk me through it with a little more detail” – People don’t fundamentally do nonsensical things on purpose, so give this person the benefit of the doubt that they have assumed you know more than you do, or haven’t thought out their idea fully and are using you as a brainstorming tactic.  People view logic in different ways, just because it’s not what you would have done doesn’t mean it’s wrong; it doesn’t mean it’s right either, but work with people to sort out ideas and don’t just shut them down.

 “I’m perfect” – This is my favorite, and unfortunately we hear it daily.  No one is perfect, no one. So saying this to anyone, ever, in any aspect of your life will shut down a conversation.  Also, it makes you look pompous and completely unaware of yourself.  This tends to be a huge interview killer because it’s often the response to “why is this role for you?”.

Same words, different impression

Let’s give people the benefit of the doubt that they don’t actually believe they are perfect people, but are so excited and passionate and skilled for the role that it gets the best of them and they blurt this out.  Instead try answering the question.  Simple enough.  Tell the interviewer WHY this role is for you.  What value you bring to it, why you’re excited by it, how you feel you can help in the short term, long term and what you’re hoping to learn from the role.

Before you react; stop, breathe and think.  How can I get the most out of this conversation?

I would love to hear your favorite conversation killer lines and how you think they could be re-addressed!